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Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
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Does anyone want to take over my communities? I have two of them, do what you see fit:
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) im_hungry~ A cooking community.
square_bad_boys~ The hawt men of Squaresoft community.
Do whatever you want with them. Make them into journals again, keep them as whatever. I dunno.
And while I'm at it, I have my other journals I could get rid of, including this one. Just say it, and I'll give you the password and whatever for them. :D
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) muses_within_me~ my current journal
cam_wolfwood~ an rp/storytelling journal
endless_sestina~ an rp journal.
If you want any of them, lemme know.
Just so you all know, I just can't keep up with LJ anymore, seems like the hospital and what not take up to much of my time, and I just don't have the energy to keep it up. I'm lagging, seriously. So, if you want some new journalage, just gimme a ringy dingy, or email me at:
muse_number_9@hotmail.com
And also if you want to correspond with me, if you ever have the inclination to do so. Or you could always ring me up on AIM at
Endless Sestina
or you could try Yahoo:
d00m_pr0j3ckt
In any account, you know how to get a hold of me. I hope to hear from you soon.:)
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Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
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Where does one delete their journal? I can't find it with this new layout. I should never have brought my journal back. I'm disappearing people. I'm tired.
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Sunday, August 24th, 2003
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You are like the Goddess Kali. Kali is the Goddess
of time and of the transformation of death.
People use Kali for many purposes the good and
the bad. Kali's blackness symbolizes her all-
embracing, comprehensive nature, because black
is the color in which all other colors merge;
black absorbs and dissolves them. Which Kali
has the power of doing. Like her, you do the
same. You have a stong intensity between the
two (good and bad) You can go beyond all
quality and form or go all against it.
What Hindu God or Goddess are you like?
brought to you by Quizilla
Go figure.
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Friday, August 22nd, 2003
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Christ!
What do you fucking want from me??
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| Time: | 1:41 am. |
| Mood: | hateful. | | Music: | die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die. |
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Do yo uever get the feeling that your life just sucks? Not like, oh, well, you know, life sucks, blah blah, just because you're down. No, you really feel it sucks because it just damned does.
You get diseases that are pretty much incurable.
You have people in your life who you thought were on an intellectual level with you, and they assume they are, but once you get deep, they turn into assholes because they can't keep up with your train of thought.
You internet connection is powered by K-Mart. (I had no idea).
Your father, who hated you, dies, and yet, you still love him and want him back for the stability he once gave to your already sucky life. You feel guilty about it, yet have no reason, whatsoever.
All your friends pretty much exsist in the talking boxes from a computer screen. The real ones you used to have have pretty much forgotten about you, and it seems they don't care because you are now house bound, and can't do the things you once did.
You have no money. You can't get a job because you don't have the health to go out and earn it, no matter what profession you take.
You have no hair, and it used to be your pride and joy, and your body, as much as you hated it before, is even worse now, and what does anyone else care? You look like a fucking zombie, and some kung-fu priest should kick your ass before you have zombie spawn.
Oh, wait, did I say I would spawn? No, can't do that. I have no uterus, ovaries, etc. I can't have children the conventional way that everyone else can.
And there's more, Even if I could concieve, who the fuck would want someone like me? Would you want to date a fucking Holocaust internment camp refugee? Yeah. That's what I thought.
And the guy that you like is a total fucking asshole. You were just too blind to fucking see it, but he says that he sympathizes for your plight. Yeah, sure you do. I was just there for you to vent your fucking obsessions on.
This disease, this cancer, has destroyed my life. I hate everyone, everything, the world, ALL OF IT. I hate it, I hate you, and me, and that fucktwit over there, and that cuntbasket over here. I hate you all. I hate that you get a normal life, and mine is being stolen from me. I hate that I have to have a fucking surgery every fucking month it seems, and then do chemo for a losing battle. I hate the fact that people who I thought were my friends treat me like dirt. I hate it all.
Is this an entry you really wanted to read? is this what you wanted? Is this the shit that you wanted to know what was on my mind instead of reading about how I sit in bed all day, waiting for me to get healthy while I drug myself up on morphine, laxatives, and chemo treatments and get hell from my mother because I don't drink enough water? Do you want to know about how I need help from my nieghbor or my mom or her friends everytime I have to go to the fucking bathroom? Do you want to know all the fucking details of my shitty life?
If it's something that you all should know, it's that you shouldn't even take the smallest things for granted in your life, like going pee without it hurting to make the walk there, and having a stranger help you with your pants down and wiping after you. I have no fucking dignity left, and I just want to die.
Do you hear me world? I want to fucking die. I am so tired of this shit, of your shit, of everyone and everything's shit.
It's all fucking shit. Shit, shit, shit.
I'd slit my wrists or overdose or blow my brains out or something if I could, but I probably need help doing that too.
God fucking dammit, and fuck you and every fucking thing in the fucking universe.
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Wednesday, August 20th, 2003
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| Time: | 3:48 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. | | Music: | TV, big shocker there.. |
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I have finally cracked the code to my old email account, I am so proud of myself. W00t.
TAKE THAT, HOTMAIL!!!
So, now I have two email accounts. Which one should I keep using?
d00m_pr0j3ckt@hotmail.com or muse_number_9@hotmail.com??
I also read some interesting news. I have no idea on how to fathom it at this moment.
Boys. *shakes head*
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Thanks to ffxyuna for the quiz/meme.:P
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Thursday, August 14th, 2003
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| Time: | 2:12 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired. | | Music: | Mia ~ My love is like....Wo. |
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Before I start with my droaning on about my lame life that no one really cares about, I have a new email address. It is:
muse_number_9@hotmail.com
And, like the big dork that I am, I went back to hotmail, because it's just there. I really should get away from them. No offense, Marcus, but figuring out my mail program interface is like trying to crack the Omega code. I just don't have the time.
Well, I do have the time. Just not the patience. >:P
So, onto the me front.
I'm getting lots of acid buildup from my recent bouts of chemo. It burns like crazy, and I can't take Pepto or anything for it. It totally sucks ass. I can't sleep at night, I can't eat anything while this goes on. My mom has thought about having me do drugs and the like. And when I say drugs, I am refering to smoking pot for medicinal purposes.
I hate drugs. I detest them. Would smoking this stuff make it any better for me? I highly doubt it. I'm so sure that pot is going to make a protective lining in my stomach keeping the evil acid and bile at bay.
Arg, it really hurts. *rubs belly*
I wish death to my neighbor's dogs. She has these two little yappy things that bark all the time. I normally like animals. But this woman's dogs really push the line with me. They need to be drop kicked somewhere obscenely far away. :P
Arg, all I really want is Pepto or Tums or Rolaids or something. *whimper* It seriously burns like crazy. :( Are they really that bad?
Must kill doctor. Must get relief.
I also can't eat anymore sweet types of food, and sneaking me in a Coke everynow and then is bad, too. Mom says that it's corrosive as hell, some people use it to clean dirty toilets. That's just gross. I now look at my stomach at times like a big dirty toilet.
I wonder if Pepsi and other cola is like that?
I want R-o-l-a-i-d-s, oh what a relief it is!
Tum-tah-Tum-ta-TUMS!!!
Ow. It burns.
On a lighter note, Jenn says that she is going to come out for a visit soon. That will be very nice. I haven't had one of my friend's out to see me in awhile, and since the move. I haven't seen her in ages. I miss her muchly. I really hope she comes out, it would really mean alot to me.
Oh, before I forget, because I have been so anti-social, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ffxyuna. Girl, you rawk my sawks. We don't talk much, but you have good vibes running all over you. :D
I've become addicted with this show on MTV called "Making the Band". I odn't know if anyone else has seen this show, but it cracks me up. Lemme give you a run down: Puff Daddy, or whatever the hell his name is now, creates a new badn with a bunch of ghetto ass people and a singer. *snort* The singer of the band is a bitch. I love her. She hates the ghettoness. But, if it wasn't for the ghettoness and the retardation, I really doubt that there would be a show. The fight, the dress wrong, they rap, they fight some more. It's like watching a really cool episode of Jerry Springer.
Ahh, it is so good to have cable again.
Oh, and that myth show. I don't know what it's called. But it's cool. I learned that pennies and breathalizer tests DON'T mix.
Does anyone want to take me to see Pirates of the Carribean? I wanna see it in the theater. I have it downloaded, but I want to see it in the theater. :(
*sigh*
Like anyone wanted to read this mess. I should go back to bed.
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Thanks to ffxyuna for the fabu new icon. I love it. LOVE.
If you were wondering, it's Ashley Riot's crotch/shorts. He's from the video game, Vagrant Story. His butt cheeks hang out of his pants. :D
Just tap it!
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Hi. I'm still here.
I love you all. Really. :)
I'm still getting my bearings. Will be back soon.
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If you want to get in on the dreary life that is mine, please leave a comment, or just add me. :D
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loved.
awake.